Housecleaning
by Silverlake Elf
Summary: A short little fic written to cheer up a friend. Involves Lucius Malfoy, interesting magazines, and solving that pesky problem of finding a good maid.


Disclamer: I do not own Harry Potter, Lucius Malfoy, or anything else originally introduced by J.K. Rowling.  
  
Author's note: I do, however, own the wonderful Christa, for whom this fic is written. Love you, koi 3 If you're coming here looking for a great work of literature, turn around right now! =P This is a short, stupid little fic written only for the purpose of humor. I'm not sure if this should be rated R, but I figured I'd better bump the rating up just to be safe. Flames will be used happily to heat the chilly classrooms that I find myself in daily! Happy Reading :-)  
  
Lucius was bored. Yes, bored. It may seem a bit preposterous what with his neverending dealings with those of the dark side, the plotting of murders of Mudbloods, and constantly fixing the Dark Lord his favourite drink - a Shirley Temple (he claims it's because it resembles blood).  
  
He spent several hours thumbing through his favourite magazines: Taking Over the World Using Only Your Pinky, What to Do When Your Dark Lord Repulses You, and, a magazine that Narcissa always turned her nose to when she found it in Lucius' sock drawer, You Did What With Your Wand?  
  
While flipping through said dirty magazine, Lucius came across quite the interesting ad (well, after the "Increase Your Penis Size With One Simple Charm!" ad, that is): A slender girl dressed in the skimpiest of French maid outfits posed, bum out, for the purpose of advertising a cleaning service. Lucius' eyes bugged out at the word "cleaning", it had taken him FOREVER to find a suitable maid! And Narcissa never--"They clean your house naked?!" He exclaimed. Without a second thought, he found his fastest own, tied a note to its leg and sent it off to the company explaining in great detail the type of maid he wanted, and how he wanted her AT THAT INSTANT. The bird pitched and tipped in the sky, the multi-paged note (filled with Lucius' inane begging for a halfway-decent female to take care of his large, but lonely...home), but made it to its destination as fast as possible.  
  
Two days (and several odor-repellent charms later), Lucius un-glued himself from his anxiously poised position on his favourite armchair to the regal doorbell sounding at Malfoy Manor. //At last!// he cried to himself, //A romp! A Lark! A Gas! A Diversion! Note to self: stop reading Narcissa's harlequin romances.// Flinging the door open, and without bothering to open his eyes to see who was there, he announced "I expect you to get those knickers off from underneath that terribly short, tight skirt, and get to work scrubbing the floor!"  
  
Combat boots stomped past him, en route to the kitchen, "Yeah? Let me relieve myself of this horribly constricting top as well." The dry-voiced girl slammed her bucket on the floor and began to slop water over the expensive stone floor.  
  
Lucius finally decided to open his eyes. He was confronted with the sight of a girl in long, baggy pants, a loose t-shirt, and an ensemble that left plenty to the imagination. "Excuse me!" He declared angrily, "But WHERE is the magical whore keeper ...magical house keeper that I ordered?!"  
  
Standing up and placing her hands on her hips, the girl turned to face Lucius, "Well...Your order that you sent to us via owl was nothing but a bunch of sodding gibberish. We couldn't make head nor tails from that thing. So we figured you wanted to economize to make up for the astronomical amount of money of the paper you scribbled that babble on. And here I am. I don't take it off, use breast enhancement charms to make them the size of a basilisk's head, transfigure myself into any sort of animal for you bestiality indulgers, or clean the house stark naked," she ticked off the limitations off on her fingers.  
  
"I'm here to clean your house and be on my way. Any problems, take it up with the management. You could always ask for Fifi the next time but she was a bit...occupied...today." The girl nodded vehemently.  
  
Lucius pinched the bridge of his delicately shaped Malfoy nose. "And just what is your name?"  
  
"Christa. You have a problem with it? Take it up with the Management."  
  
"No no, just clean the house and be on your way." Shoulders sagging in disappointment, Lucius retired to his study and leaned heavily on the marbled mantle of the fire place...  
  
...And suddenly found himself sprawled not-so-gracefully on his back on his finished wood desk. On top of him was a very naked, heavily grinning Christa. "Of course," she said in a matter-of-fact tone, "I never said anything about fornicating with one's employer on the desk of his study."  
  
The two were quite busy making a good deal of noise for the next several hours. The house elves wondered if their master was being attacked, tortured, or having the best time of his life. He certainly never made those types of noises when he was with the Mistress.  
  
And, just outside the gates of Malfoy Manor, a scantily clad girl with a name tag on her ample bosom reading "Fifi" was bound and shoved hastily into a bush after being attacked by an avid fan of the Malfoys.  
The end 


End file.
